Friday, June 19, 2015

over you.

I used to believe that heartbreak got easier with age
And despite the pain of it we'll learn to manage
It's always the first throw that hurts the most
Until I discovered it gets harder each time
To take a punch and climb back on your feet
Instead of defeated and down on your knees

I can write about it now because I am free of it. I have finally pried open my frozen fingers and let go of a ghost I've held on for so long. The heart is resilient and it will endure many more. But within its healed surface, the scars run deep.

I was just a little girl
With little stupid ideas
I was always far away
But for you I stay
It is you I am here for
My heart hears your soul
I am answering that call
I would've stayed forever more
But I learnt the answer to why
And what hurt the most
Was I was not worth a goodbye
I guess I understand
Where I have failed
You succeeded so well

Maybe I never will get over the fear of abandonment. Perhaps I will be forever wary of the others to follow - as though I didn't have enough walls. For someone to get through my defences, one must slip through unnoticed. Show interest and I will shut you down - flattered as I may be, I do not accept affection from strangers. This resentment will never cease to grow as long as I find myself fearful and wary and lonely.

I may have gotten over my love for you.
But for me to truly heal,
I must learn to unhate you too.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I am still here

I have been in Taiwan for 4 days now and sometimes I think of late night laughter in a car parked at the empty carpark of a deserted building. I think of snowy nights but I no longer have the desire to visit them. I know that when I return to Malaysia, I would. The new dream: run to snow capped mountains and never return. For now though, I only have words for the radio and I hope for a long journey because it isn't about the destination. It never was.

A small room with the smallest tv can also be filled with joy when everyone is here, these are not friends, they are family.

We are going home tomorrow. We've taken trains and seen places. Somewhere along the line I lost it. I realised something missing too late because it was already gone. Part of me was relieved but another grieved. I remember how I felt but I no longer remember how it feels. It makes me wanna cry and strengthen my armour all at the same time.

Life is either a tragedy, or a joke, right?

So laugh.

I'm back and I'll never let myself feel that way again. Once to keep it special. But who wants mediocre? Who wants average? Everyone wants epic. They just don't know how to be careful of what they wish for. The happier you are, the higher you go but not everyone can survive the fall.

Life is a mess. It's meant to be chaotic. But because we're only human, we cannot appreciate the art of life so we try to control it. Shape it and mould it till it all fits.

10 years old, with bright eyes looking at the world with reckless abandon.
Into your 20s and thinking you will magically find yourself but lost is all you are.
We show off who is more real. But in time, you realise that the person you were is only a fool's dream.
Become what you have to be for all else is a lie. You cannot claim to be candid when you start to censor.

I always believed that I wore my heart on my sleeve. I have only ever wanted to give a part of me to those who gave me a part of them. All my secrets sit at the tip of my tongue. Ready to slip to the ones who care. But when I find cracks, I fill them up. Coat them with a layer of varnish. Pretend it was never there. When I get caught though, I falter because it was never my intention.

Love should be cheap, given freely and easily.

Pride had never made anyone happy. Walls are not a welcomed sight. You stand guarded because you desire effort so you can recognise sincerity. But it is lonely and the emptiness is cold. Beggars cannot be choosers and pride will make you starve.

Am I the only one who feels like "what is meant to be will be" are just words to convince ourselves that we haven't just lost something so significant there are no words to describe it?

25 years and I have just learnt that no, you don't always get what you want.
25 years and I was rudely awakened by reality because sometimes even good things fall apart.
25 years and I have begun to understand that nothing happens for a reason but you can give it one.

You can learn from it, give it meaning. Believe there's no fate but what we make, even when things are out of your control, you can still do what is in your power and that changes things. Only, it is so hard to reconcile the truth of what you do not want to believe with a contradicting perspective.

And I wish so badly to be proven wrong.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Invasion of Personal Space

There wasn't anyone I trusted to help me, to not make fun of me or brush me off.

Nobody should have to deal with unwanted attention, regardless of intention.

I was out of my element, and the man took me by surprise. It was at a wedding and I thought he might be some relative I'd forgotten. Until it was clear he was drunk.

Maybe you think I should feel flattered but I do not. Because who is he to be taking liberties?

I felt violated. I kept trying to wipe off the feeling of disgust from my cheek. I wish I had punched him.

I want to remind myself and every one else out there that there is no shame in standing up for how you feel. You should not allow anyone make you feel anything less than you are.

You are not a victim.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

7 Things I Learnt from My Time Abroad

1. Bring your own beer to house parties.
I'm not sure if this only extends to Melbourne, but I went to a house party empty handed once. It was so awkward because nobody knew what to do. The one thing that broke the ice was someone asking, "are those your Asian neighbours here to complain about the noise?"

2. Don't underestimate how heavy groceries are.
Cos I did, not just once, but especially during that first trip I took to the supermarket. Adam was running a high fever, it was our first night in the apartment and there was no food. So I ran out to buy groceries so I could make him homecooked food, thinking it would comfort him. It was horrible. Not only was that my first attempt at Chinese food (I still shudder thinking about how bad it tasted) but I bought big bottles of dark and light soya sauce (cos I didn't know which to use), cooking oil, a small bag of rice and ingredients for stir fried vege, steamed egg with mince meat. Who knew everything could add up to be so heavy? And our apartment was 15 minutes away! I should've just stuck to fried luncheon meat and sweet corn soup.

3. It is amazing how far you can walk.
It really is. During a trip to the city, I was adamant about getting somewhere which resulted in blisters and newlost respect for me and my ability to follow directions from google maps. I kept saying it's up ahead, for about half an hour. But at least we got there. The point is, little by little, one truly goes far.

4. It is perfectly okay to talk to strangers.
The first few times a stranger tried to strike up a conversation with me was weird. But after a while it started to be nice. These interactions range from simple idle talk to full out philosophical debates and it's wonderful. You meet and click and then you leave each other to it. I guess in a way, that's kinda beautiful.

5. Home is where you want it to be.
I raged about leaving Kuching when I was 13, swearing I would get out of this town and fly off somewhere, never to return. By the time I was 18, nothing could make me leave. But my dad convinced me that I should. When I was abroad, all I wanted was to come home. But when I did, my room was gone and the house I lived in for 20 over years felt different. It was then I realized that home is only where you want it to be and I unpacked and came home again.

6. You can drink tap water. 
This blew my mind. I was so dubious. But then it became fun trying to convince the other International students that it's safe to drink from the tap. And even convincing the locals that you have to boil or filter water in Malaysia took some effort. So really, we only believe what we know. Once you learn to accept that, you learn be a bit more empathetic and understanding. You become a bit less impatient and a little more kind. You can't fault others for believing all that they know.

7. Don't take things personally.
Then you learn that maybe the way a person acts could be culture, it could be upbringing, it could be just the way they are. But whatever it is, you realize you shouldn't take things personally, that nobody is against you. People are far too selfish for that. They are for what they believe in, they are for themselves. Even when what they do seem to suggest otherwise, because how someone treats you, is a reflection of themselves... Not the other way around.

Friday, January 16, 2015

ON AIR.

It's still nerve wrecking.
But I'll be on at these times:

Tomorrow: 11am - 3pm 
26th Jan - 4th Feb: 10am - 3pm 

95.3FM for Kuching, 105.8FM for Miri. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Review: Beauty Talk 3D Refining Day Cream

I loved the Beauty Talk Double Cleansing Gel so much I was super stoked when HiShop sent me this all purpose primer that is moisturizing and whitening makeup base, with UV protection and anti-aging properties!

For more details about it, click:


Sounds like a dream come true, right? Furthermore, the application is really smooth and it really made my skin look radiant and flawless despite its light consistency!



However, I noticed that my face gets pretty shiny even though I've only been in the office and during my last facial, the facialist commented that my pores were extremely clogged and asked if I remove my makeup properly, which I'm sure I do. So, I'm guessing it just isn't suitable for my sensitive combination skin. But don't let that put you off from getting it. It has glowing reviews and just cos it didn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't work for you, especially since I have very temperamental skin.

It's weird though, because on the box, it mentions that it soothes and repairs with chamomile, which shouldn't irritate my skin... Maybe in a couple of weeks when my skin settles, I'll try again (ahah yes, I can be that stubborn because I refuse to accept it didn't turn out another HG product) but then again... Maybe my skin just didn't like some other ingredient. I know nothing about ingredients, but you might, so here's the full list for your reference:

Pure water Glyceryl Strearate Acetyl Hexapeptide-8 Iron Oxide (Black)
Cyclopentasiloxane Glycerin Hydrolyzed Soy Protein Fragrance
Sodium Acrylates Copolymer Ceteareth-12 Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein Hydrogenated Lecithin
Paraffinum Liquidum Cetyl Palmitate Iron Oxide (Red) Magnesium Ascorbyl Phosphate
PPG-1 Trideceth-6 C12-15 Aklyl Benzoate Methylparaben Choleth-20
Isononyl Isononanoate Butylene Glycol Imidazolidinyl Urea PEG-100 Hydrogenated Castor Oil
Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride Titanium Oxide Chamomile Flower Extract Triethylhexanoin
Cetearyl Isononanoate Tocopheryl Acetate Propylene Glycol Cholesterol
Ceteareth-20 Cyclopentasiloxane Acerola Fruit Extract Mica
Cetearyl Alcohol Dimethiconol Iron Oxide (Yellow) 29 Ingredients! 

Looks like Latin, doesn't it? Some foreign language that some multi-talented people manage to master. But anyway, if you wanna try the cream for yourself, it's on sale right now!! But if you're eyeing something else, get a 15% discount with this code: VEYRONIQA. Happy shopping and...

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Hey, 2015.

The weather was so beautiful today.
Perfectly breezy with overcast skies. 
I wish it could be like this forever. 
It feels like a good start to a good year.

This Saturday, I'll be on air from 11AM to 3PM.
95.3FM if you're in Kuching, 105.8FM for Miri! 

Honestly though, it feels unreal.
But yea, dreams do come true.