Thursday, August 27, 2015

Monster Dash 3.0

It's back again and it's going to be bigger than before - not just because they'll be expecting more runners this year but because there's going to be a flash mob and here are the dance moves:

video
Video courtesy of OurYouth FB

I've never been in a flash mob before so that's exciting! Kinda sakai la but still... One day everyone will run out of firsts so appreciate each and every one!

This year's Monster Dash merch is super neon... 



Peace out and see you at the run

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Lead Me Into Temptation

Those who have never been led into temptation know not what strength is.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Are you sure you're not crazy?

By crazy I mean suffering from any psychological disorders and not retardation or brain disorders like schizophrenia. Little disclaimer here though: I am not educated in psychology, I just like to theorize. 

When I was younger, I was convinced I was bipolar. I had bouts of extreme happiness and sudden depressions. But then I brushed it off as teen angst. Then I thought I had ADHD, because I had problems with attention. But then I realized that in this time and age of electronic devices and instant gratification, who wouldn't? I was constantly on the lookout for what kind of disorders I might suffer from because I've always had a fascination with the mentally disturbed and it would give me an excuse to act a certain way. I had a temper and would explode every so often that I began to anticipate them and maybe it's self fulfilling prophecy because something never failed to aggravate me to the point of madness. Eventually, I began to think that maybe everyone's a little crazy. Some a little more than others.

I used to hurt myself intentionally. The correct term is self harm. There was satisfaction in watching life bleed out of me. Beauty in red against stark white. It is a difficult topic for most people who do, but not many who don't would understand what is going through a cutter's mind. Cutters do not seek pity or attention, and it isn't a cry for help, quite the opposite. They are usually uncomfortable regarding their wounds and/or scars and try to cover them up. I find comfort in people who avert their eyes and the opposite when they blatantly ask what my scars are in front of others. I appreciate concern - but perhaps a little more discretion?

Cutting is proven to make people feel better because it releases endorphins, which is why cutters feel relief after cutting. Like anorexia, cutting revolves mainly around control. Individuals feel the need to be in control and in that moment of rejecting food or putting a blade to skin is empowering. You are suddenly in control of what you do or don't do. You control exactly what happens next. You are the master of destiny. Back when I was a teenager, everything was so chaotic to me. And the pain and endorphins blocked it all out.

People fall in love with their misery, their destruction - they want to be able to say they've been there and back - and I was no different.

And that's okay. We're not meant to be perfect. We're not meant to be clones.

You just gotta find your balance.

I believe that mental disorders are a sign of a sick society. Humans have a way of restricting themselves and controlling what is around them. We create rules and guidelines. We take animals out of their natural habitat, domesticating them and ultimately, make them live unnatural lives. We have done the same to ourselves. We are so far removed from what is natural that we develop psychological disorders - in order to compensate for what we have lost.

Society was built by people who had a selfish idea on what they believed benefited themselves. For example: There's that long standing debate on whether humans are meant to be monogamous, but the truth is...

Just because you were raised to believe human beings are meant to be vegetarian, doesn't mean that it's natural. It is merely one of those rules society has imposed on us to make us seem more human.

Some people are sensitive to being depicted as less than normal. But what is normal? Only what the masses believe to be. That doesn't mean anything. So be crazy. Be whatever you feel. And fuck the rules.

I don't believe in disorders. I believe it is a coping mechanism. It is only there because you give in to it. I am probably wrong. But it is what I believe and I'm no doctor. I don't know. Who does, really?

We all believe we feel the strongest, that nobody can even begin to fathom our pain. So when I decided to shrug it off, I automatically think if I can, why can't you? Maybe it's all in your head too.

I know your reply. You'll say, "you don't understand - you can't, because you've never been there". But pain, I've learnt, is relative.

Maybe you're just not good at dealing with pain. It doesn't make your pain more real than anyone elses'.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Video: Say Something Tag

Aric convinced me to do it, I think he just really wanted to have tape all over that face. Check it:


quitting is forever

Just one more day, and it becomes two. Three.
Until the days run into each other and blend together,
Realizing one day that it's been weeks, months. Years. 
But the yearning never ceases, the desire always there. 
One phone call, another opportunity and it begins again. 
Addiction, disorder, obsession. 
You fight them every day.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

What Tattoos Truly Mean

Photo by YH Photography
I have loved tattoos since I was 13. I knew that one day I was going to get one, but my family opposed so strongly and I was too afraid of the consequences for a little self expression so I hid my tattoos from my family until they found out. I can't even remember how they realised. But they did. They still make occasional comments and get into debates about the implications of tattoos so here's a blog post to end all discussion.

Tattoos are my souvenirs of life. They tell my story. Moments, captured in ink. I do not believe in only getting symbolically meaningful tattoos because all tattoos are meaningful. Even that tattoo of your ex's name. Because it is a part of your life. That right there is proof that you loved deeply and maybe foolishly, but you loved. Even that weird tattoo. Because I'm sure there is a story behind it and it might even be funny. Even that misspelt tattoo. Because it is just like you to be careless about something so permanent. Even that tattoo you got while drunk adds up to who you are. Even this, even that. And what's the problem with getting empty but aesthetically pleasing tattoos? Aren't they decorations, in the end? Humans oftentimes try too hard to find reason for things that could simply just exist. 

My first tattoo holds no meaning at all, except to mark my rebellious days and impulsive ways, I was 17? It was the last day of 2007 and I walked into the tattoo studio and said "I want a tattoo before 2007 ends" so I got a floral design with stars and a crescent moon. Hurt like a bitch but oh so pretty. I was too young to know better and too stupid to care and I loved it. And all those feelings are permanently inked on the inside of my hip. 

My second tattoo is a phoenix. It is extremely significant to me, and also highly personal. I do not appreciate it when people who are not close to me, ask me what my tattoos mean because you are asking me to reveal a part of myself. It makes me uncomfortable. Usually I say "nothing", but "it's kinda personal" is me being polite. But here, I'll tell you what it means. I wanted a phoenix because I found strength in the mythical bird which rises from the ashes of it's own destruction. It means that nothing can destroy me but myself, and even when I do, I will always find my way back. I wanted a back piece because I remember making fun of other people's tattoos with my father. We were at a wedding, and there were a bunch of girls with tiny dragons and my father said, "Gal, look at that. Is it a lizard?" and I said, "I think they are dragons." "Dragons?! Small dragons, more like lizards." "Trueee. If it's something as majestic as a dragon, make sure it's all or nothing." It was then I realized that one day, my phoenix would cover my back. Till this day I can still remember how it felt, sitting at the table, laughing with my father. See, these are the bits and pieces of life that makes a significance. Don't get google dictate what your tattoo means.

I have the universe in a star above my right elbow. Everyone is a universe of complexities. We only know what we are shown. Alternately, the universe is made of galaxies, galaxies are made of stars. We are but one in a seemingly infinite universe of human beings, stretching over generations, but I am present, I am here. It reminds me to be humble without feeling inconsequential because sometimes, when we think about how small we are, we forget why anything should matter at all. It matters, because we do. Stars make up the universe, despite how small and insignificant each one may be, without them, the universe is nothing. 

I got "Ave Atque Vale" because I liked the sound of it - I found it in Infernal Devices and fell in love. "Always" is a beautiful belief. Matching tattoos with the ones I love, because they are a part of me and always will be. 

One thing that everyone fears is regret, which is why they claw and fight by nook or by crook to give their tattoos some great significance. My father told me as much, "What are you going to do when you want to remove them one day?" but the problem is, I never intend to. Tattoos are the beautiful battle scars of my youth.

But I have touched up tattoos and covered another, because they didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. Blowout tattoos are disappointing, especially if you are striving for minimalism, so always try to find an artist who specialises in the style you like and make sure you are able to communicate effectively with them. But even then, nobody is perfect and even the best tattoo artist might make mistakes. The best thing you can do is go to a reputable tattoo parlour. Never let price be an issue, don't compromise quality because it's going to be on you forever. 

You may dislike tattoos and that's okay. You don't have to love mine. And I don't expect you to agree with me. This is just my perspective for now and one day it might shift. But everyone should have an opinion, and the ability to respect the opinion of others.

Speaking of opinions, I'm not sure about other people with ink, but it makes me super awkward when people who have seen mine, tells their friend that they have to see my back. It is the shit. If that someone is a guy, they'd go ahead and say, it'll put yours to shame. But it is just embarrassing for me. It is not a competition. I am not an art gallery. My tattoos are mine and I do not appreciate being paraded like just because I have ink, suddenly I am public property. People who pull my shirt up or dress down? Chill, be cool. 

Friday, August 7, 2015

restart


I was lost for what felt like the longest time.
But the darkest night often feels like forever.

I kept a backup of my deleted blog - maybe knowing that one day I would like to revisit. But it wasn't for the reasons I originally intended. I went back to the past, trying to rediscover what it was like to be excited for life but I found nothing there.

Jaded.

I used to roll my eyes at that word. It astounded me how people could get so disconnected and apathetic. I convinced myself that would never be me and I shunned those who were. I thought them weak and foolish whereas I was strong and alive. But now I want to surrender and say fine - maybe they saw the truth. Life is meaningless. We are born, we work and we die. We live from week to week and in between we are only zombies, chasing paper.

So I became withdrawn and hid from the world. Life lost it color because every dream has crumbled and I was too exhausted to find another. I became one of those people. Demotivated, uninspired and disenchanted. I cannot help but feel cheated, because clearly there has to be more than this.

I tried to look for meaning but you simply cannot find what you do not want found. The best thing you can do when you're lost is to move forward.

I spring cleaned my HDD - deleting pictures and videos of what I no longer want. It turns out, I take a lot of photos of food and I think I'm going to stop because by the time I was done - I didn't keep a single one.

Why do we do it though? I never really questioned it although online culture sure did. To me, it was simple and instant gratification. Food is fundamental to our survival. I think cooking or leaving that last serving for someone is the ultimate act of love. Forget buying flowers, get food. Seriously. Swap out your "I love you"s for "hey you hungry?"

I've explained before to my sister in law that the reason my brother keeps offering her food and urging her to try new things is purely out of love. I used to get so offended and hurt (bit of a nutcase eh?) when people rejected my offers, eventually, I realized that not everyone sees food the same way. But since it is so central to our lives, I thought it was natural to want to share good food, so we do it on social media. That's how I hunt for food. "OMG WHERE" is probably my default comment on Instagram. People have got to start using geotagging.

I also cleaned out my closet and got a new wardrobe. Tshirt & shorts will forever be my staple because c'mon, there's nothing more comfortable. But change is welcome when all you want is anything but this.